It's Either this or Valium...

Instead of self-medicating, I’ve been self-educating.

Since college is starting soon, I started to feel the pang of nostalgia: the bygone years of studying too hard, partying too hard, great friends… and onions. Slice ‘em, dice ‘em, sautéed, fried: sweet, sweet onions, make ‘em cry:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/07/14/AR2009071400684.html?sid=ST2009071402785

A Holga may look like a cheap, plastic camera, but what it is really is an exercise in embracing uncertainty and accepting the limits of what you can and can’t control. Very Zen, right? The only thing blocking your path to Enlightenment is the %$(ing cost of getting the film developed and printed. So, digitally cheat you way to Nirvana:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/atanguay/sets/72157594165111190/

The Japanese: so familiar, so foreign. American food in Japan: also familiar and foreign:
http://www.mangajin.com/mangajin/samplemj/japnfctn/japnfctn.htm

Thomas Jefferson was not an inventor:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_jefferson

And something pretty cool my boss sent us:
http://videos.komando.com/2009/06/18/african-thunderstorm/

Equal... and powerful

Bragg's Liquid Aminos = Patis for Hippies

Asparagus update-conundrum

So I have the lacy ferns and a couple asparagus-like shoots are coming out. I don't know what to do next. Do I eat them? What if I need them for later? What if, when I harvest them, I'm actually killing the plant? What if the first couple are poisonous? How many aspargus will eventually come out? I only have three seedlings--what if that only makes three asparagus? And then I'll have three asparagus a season for fifteen years. Strangely enough, I can't find the answer online. I know, right? I even looked in a--get this--book. No dice. I've found that, a lot of times, written materials only pretend to be instructional, when actually you have to know something about the subject matter to use the information. If I knew, I wouldn't need a book, now would I? I'm probably going to have to buy one of those The Complete Ignorant Asshole's Guide to Asparagus, though first I'll have to get past the feeling of complete ignorant asshole-osity that attends needing a book like that.

Thoughts I had while not blogging

1. I was wondering about the people who complained, during the Presidential campaign, that Barack Obama was too smart to be President. They wanted a President who had an intelligence level more like them. I for one am glad President Obama is much smarter than I am. I can't even reconcile my check book on Quickbooks properly; someone close to my intelligence level would deal with the current economic crisis by minimizing the window and checking out celebrity gossip. So yeah, where are those people now? Probably selling oranges on the side of the freeway, missing the Hamptons and regretting that they never Googled "ponzi scheme."

2. I was listening to commercial radio, and there seems, nowadays, to be a lot of songs serenading the stripper. Rappers who love strippers and the strippers who love them. Who knew that the booty bounce could make someone fall in love with you? And that men like being relationships with women whose job it is to take off their clothes and tantalize other men--because it makes the woman financially independent? The logic is fascinating and mind-boggling.

3. Can you ever be "whelmed" or "undated" or offer "thank"? Just one thank, when you're only marginally grateful. Don't want people to get big-headed just because they held the elevator for you.

Every year, my new year's resolution is to write more. Every year, alack and alas!, I fall woefully short (unless to-do lists are suddenly flying off the bookshelves--though that might be interesting, depending on the lister and what they need to get done. "Bake cookies for PTA sale." "Hide body." "Clean crime scene." "Double check with UV light!!!"[Requisite overuse of exclamation points] "Take vitamin." "Mend unitard." The mind reels with the possibilities. Though I wouldn't publish my to-do lists. One, they're pretty boring. Two, they're kind of shameful, especially since they all start off with "Make to-do list" just so I can cross off one thing right away.) of most writing goals.

But not this year! I've busted out the ol' thesis, resolving to rewrite, refine, and rededicate myself to all things Wally Mustache. I've spent the last three hours going over one page. Page One. At this rate, I'll be done with the thing just shortly before the technological breakdown, when all things electric shut off (this occurrence happening just after I've pressed saved but slightly before I'm able to print[I'm parenthetical-tastic today]).

Of course, it's all because of the double-edged sword called the Internet. It's too easy to blame the Internet, so instead I'll list some interesting things I learned in the course of fact-checking one page of my thesis:

-Jack Tripper pretended to be gay even after the Ropers left "Three's Company"

-"Halloween" came out in 1978

-Another name for Bloody Mary is Mary Worth

-I can creep myself out just reading about "Halloween" and Bloody Mary on Wikipedia (or typing about it right now)

-"The Love Boat" is apparently not a copyrighted name, as several different pornos also are called "The Love Boat"

-"Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" is a take off on "love in" which is itself a take off on "sit in"

-The woman who recently had octuplets and already has six other children came to Kaiser Permanente from an outside doctor when already pregnant

-24% of people.com respondents said they liked Jessica Simpson's "new, curvier" figure

-High-waisted pants look pretty bad on everyone except Jenny McCarthy.

And this is the problem about rewriting: facts, the necessity of them, and how we're surrounded constantly by them. I thought I had left all my fact-checking days behind when I quit journalism. Drat.

Vegetable Love

Growing up in a townhouse, I never really tended anything. My mom has orchids, but I hardly feel they count. Orchids are like those small, overbred dogs that were so in about four years ago: tempermental, requiring a lot of attention, made only for show, and just large enough to be inconvenient.

But now, in beautiful Kalihi Valley, I have a garden. And I only grow stuff you can eat (you know, because of these tough, economic times). There's something mysterious and humbling about planting seeds and watching them grow into food. All I do is pull the weeds and harvest.

And you learn how plants actually look. I didn't think I was overly sheltered (I mean, we did have cable growing up), but until this garden I didn't know, say, how a broccoli plant looked (kinda like a lettuce throwing up a broccoli, nothing big), or how a leek developed (you gotta bury the stem as it thickens; that's what makes it white and so tender and delicious in soup). But the coolest one thus far is asparagus.

An asparagus seedling looks like a bit of lacy fern. It grows into a bush and, if untended, can become a fair-sized tree. I think asparagus is related to bamboo. Asparagus sends down a deep root system before it makes stuff you can eat. This can take three years. On the upside, an asparagus plant can last 15-20 years.

So ladies, forget roses. If a man gives you an asparagus seedling, you know he's in it for the long haul.

Words from a Recessionista

Current overused cliche: "In these tough economic times..."

You'll hear it everywhere: in political speeches, as an excuse for layoffs and foreclosures, on PSAs. Does it play out at, say, McDonald's? "In these tough economic times, I've decided to not supersize that Number 4."
At family gatherings? "In these tough economic times, it has been determined that we're going to have to downsize this family. Uncle Bob, that means you can come to parties, but you can't eat anything or watch tv. Aunty Linda, you're out."
With relationships? "In these tough economic times, Robert, I can't afford to spend any more energy watching WWE with your loser friends."
I'm going to start using it anytime someone is going to get shafted.

I've also decided to do my part to cut back by not looking up anything myself anymore. I will exist on hearsay, rumor, and speculation. And blogs. Second-hand information: the new reuse and recycle.